Nothing that I can't handle

One of those days

2009-01-06T15:29:00.000-08:00

I really have tried not to make my little blog a big ol' whine fest but it's my blog and I'll cry if I want to! :) For today anyway.

It's been a weird day. I go from feeling sort of panicked to calm. Feeling like everything is falling apart to telling myself it'll be ok. But mostly feeling like everything sucks. I am feeling fresh out of optimism. I'm tired of being worried and stressed. I'm tired of being second in line for everything. I'm tired of doing it all. Really doing it all.

There are people who are willing to help. It's just find it hard to ask. I would love for someone to say what can I do to help you out?? Right now, what can I do? People say give me a call if you need anything but it's different when someone makes an actual offer. I know it's a stretch but God that would be nice. I know, I can pick up the phone and ask and I do, sometimes.

This is one of those things moms are good at. Knowing just what you need right when you need it. I remember once when Nayeli was about 6 months old my mom made a surprise visit. I came home to find a clean house and Grandma waiting to help out with anything else. My mom was not a fan of housekeeping so for her to do that was a big deal. I miss her shoulder to cry on and her comforting words. A mom is a very special thing.

I'm just done. And I need a freakin' break. I won't hold my breath.

Tomorrow is another day!

Back seat parenting

2008-12-31T19:21:00.000-08:00

Today while we were at the park we came across a little girl who was wandering around by herself. How old was this child you say? Oh, a year and a half tops. Ya, 18 months (maybe two but I don't think so), playing on the playground, barefoot, by herself.

I finally saw a couple sitting 20-30 feet away pretty much not even looking at her but had to be her parents. In my mind this child was completely unsupervised. From where the parents were sitting they could not see everything she was doing. She nearly walked in front of a moving swing(not unusual for any kid but there was no one there to stop her!), more than once stuck her binky in the sand and then sucked on it, and was all over the jungle gym (not toddler size play equipment).

Is it just me or is this just a little crazy!! Anyone could have come up and snatched her. She could have had any number of accidents and they were too far away to prevent it. Not to mention that she had plenty of time to wander away into a very large park or god forbid the street. When the parents finally came over they were offended by the looks from some of the parents. And at what point do you say something in that type of situation. To me it looked like they weren't paying attention at all but maybe I was mistaken??

On the flip side of that there was a Dad there with his daughter who seemed very overprotective (in my humble opinion). She was lucky he let her get on the jungle gym. I think he thought it might be hazardous just going down the slide. In this case, I felt like he didn't want to let her have fun for fear she might get a little scrape.

I don't know. I catch myself getting crazy about what Nayeli can and can't do, how far she can be from me, where she's allowed to go and with who. I have to remind myself to let her be a kid. But I also know this world is a much different place than when I was a kid. I think we have to be more cautious, more aware.

I was really shocked by seeing that little girl playing alone. Nothing happened but how much of that is the result of the other parents, me included, who were looking out for her. What if something had happened? And should I have said something? The line between your own parenting style and another parents is very fine. It's not one I cross often. What's the right thing to do??

Our Christmas

2008-12-31T18:41:00.000-08:00

In addition to the great time we had with our family on Christmas Day we got to go to a couple of Christmas events that I have to share.

First we went to Rogers Gardens in Irvine. This place was amazing. It's a very high end nursery that turns into a Christmas wonderland at the holidays. There was room after room of ornaments and decorations. Mostly very, very expensive decorations but it really was fun just looking.

They had two or three rooms just with Christopher Radko ornaments and decorations. I've been admirer of his ornaments for a long time. I had no idea how large his collection is. It was amazing. Definitely a site to see.

And if you're into the green stuff there were lots of plants and junk to look at too. I do not have anything near a green thumb so I had little interest in the plant life. There was one item that caught my eye. I had no idea that cabbage (I think it was cabbage.) has a beautiful flower/bloom. It was this huge white/green flower. Really cool. Later that night we actually saw it in someones yard and it looked really pretty. Who knew!

After the Gardens we went to the Balboa Island Christmas Boat parade and Home Tour. This was by far one of the best holiday activities I have ever been to. I got no good pics of the boats so unfortunately I can't give you a visual but trust me it was awesome. The boats were great but I think I liked the Home Tour even better. I'm not sure how to put it into words but the whole experience of the Gardens and then the parade was just perfect. This was the kind of thing you imagine doing with your family to celebrate the season. One of those things that becomes a tradition. It was really special.

We are very fortunate, Nayeli and I. Although I couldn't give her everything on her wish list (especially the one really big, expensive thing she wanted) she still had a really great Christmas. And I feel like I must be doing something right because she didn't fall apart at realizing she wasn't going to get the really big item. It was ok. And I was ok. I didn't spend days on end feeling guilty about it. We have so much.

I know that at the end of the day she gets so much more out of the time we spend with our family and each other than any gift she could get. It's one thing to say that but I really felt it this year.

Say What??

2008-12-16T08:50:00.000-08:00

Nayeli pretending to be a cheerleader-

Nayeli: "We are the hussies, We are the hussies!"

Me: "Excuse me, what did you just say?"

Her: "We are the hussies, We are ...."

Me: "Honey, It's the HUSKIES."

Her: "Ok. We are the Huskies..."

Ya. Still cracks me up.

Tis the Season

2008-12-15T22:33:00.000-08:00

Today begins the Christmas Tour of Homes 2008 over at BooMama.

I stumbled across this last year and have anxiously awaited it this year.

Literally hundreds of wonderful people have opened up their homes to share their visions of Christmas.

I love taking a peak into peoples homes and seeing how they bring Christmas to life. It's also a great way to get ideas for decorating next year.

I'm not sure there's anyway to get through all of them but it's a fun way to kill a few spare minutes. Plus some of the ladies have included their favorite Christmas recipes.

Here's one that I can't wait to try. I've heard of this treat several times and have never managed to get my hands on the recipe. Unfortunately I didn't write down which blog I got it from so I can't give her credit. Enjoy!

Cracker Candy

1 c sugar
1 c butter
12 oz semi-sweet chocolate chips
chopped nuts

Saltine crackers

Line a jelly roll pan with foil. Arrange 40 crackers in a single layer.

Bring sugar and butter to a boil, cook 3 minutes, stirring constantly. Pour over crackers and spread with a spoon.

Bake at 450 degrees for about 5 minutes, being careful not to burn. Remove from oven and sprinkle with chocolate chips. Let stand to melt.

Sprinkle on nuts (if desired), spread and refrigerate. Break apart and serve.

Rain Rain go away (a little bit)

2008-12-15T09:26:00.000-08:00

It has been raining for-e-ver!

The streets are flooded, flash flood warnings have been issued and people are being evacuated from the recently burned areas.

We live literally across the street from Nayeli's school but the rain was so bad I drove her to school. I felt a little silly but it was the difference between the cuffs of the pants being wet or her entire body being soaked. I think I made the right choice.

I like the rain and the chill in the air but this is ridiculous. And I live near several areas that were burned in the wild fires and those poor people have to leave their homes again because of the threat of mud slides.

Can't we just have a little rain. Why the extremes?? Maybe it's that global warming thing. The weather here in California has been very wacky. I think a week ago I was moaning about it still being hot (in the 80's) and now it's so wet it's not safe to go outside. What the heck!

I was actually looking forward to it cooling off and the occasional sprinkle. Downpour was not what I was hoping for. I would not last a day in a snowy climate. I really feel for those of you who deal with snow. If I'm whinin' about the rain I might have a breakdown dealing with the snow. I really don't even want to know what subzero weather feels like.

I'm done crying about the weather and now would like to take a moment to give a little thanks.

This morning I woke up feeling very grateful. Thankful for our lives, our home, our friends and family. It was one of those moments where you think, what more do I need. Everything I need I have right now, everything else is just icing on the cake. Now if I could just hang on to that feeling!

Random thoughts

2008-12-11T08:30:00.000-08:00

The last couple of weeks have been a little bit crazy.

Every year Thanksgiving comes and then the next 6 weeks are one big blur. I always say I'm going to be more prepared, do more, be more organized, blah, blah, blah. Never happens. Maybe I should just stop saying it and see where that gets me.

I love the holidays. I really do but there are always so many things I want to do that I just don't know where to start.

I feel stuck right now. This is a time of year is meant to be spent with family and one of the most important people in my life is not here to share it. Three years without my mom has gone by way too fast. Some days are ok and others it feels like she past away yesterday. I still have moments of wanting to pick up the phone and talk to her. I look at her pictures and for seconds she seems so close.

Holy cow I'm kinda falling apart. Wow I'm barely starting my day and I'm a puddle of tears. Well this post certainly went in a direction I wasn't expecting. So yeah I guess I'm a little sad today. I'm thinking I need to take a break. To be continued....

Nayeli X 2

2008-12-01T21:49:00.000-08:00

I love for Nayeli to spend time with her favorite cousin. On a good day they play well with each other and no one gets hurt. : )

The last two visits have been ....interesting. The second her cousin walks in the door a little switch inside Nayeli flips on and her alter ego comes to life. Everything about her gets turned up like 10 notches. The voice gets louder and her every movement happens at warp speed.

I think part of her is trying to act like a "normal" kid (or her perception of normal anyway) and she's just so darn excited to have someone to play with she can't contain herself.

I'm happy she's happy but dear lord the hyper, loud, on crack Nayeli exhausts me just looking at her. I spend the whole time telling her to calm down, take deep breaths, relax. Nothing that I've done can get her to mellow out. The switch is either on or off and only she can control it.

Because Nayeli's cousin was with us for two days (of torture) both her cousin and I were ready to run for the hills half way through day two.

It was so bad that her cousin (8 yrs old and probably hasn't taken a nap since kindergarten) asked to take NAP. What 8 year old takes a nap! The funny thing is I wanted to take one with her. I was tempted to tell her to move over so I could bury my head under the covers too!

I thought for a minute this might all be in my head. But it was no figment of my imagination. My proof is when the switch goes off as soon as her cousin closes the door behind her. It's like Nayeli x2 leaves when the cousin leaves. Back is the mostly calm, sometimes collected child I love and adore gone is the Tasmanian devil that took over my child's body.

I really am perplexed by this. I see this in small doses when she's with other kids but with the cousin it's entirely different, night and day.

One of the positive things about these times with the cousin is that Nayeli can be Nayeli. She doesn't have to worry about what people will say or think. She can have sheer unbridled fun.

Now if the sheer unbridled fun didn't cause me to want run and hide we'd be good. Unfortunately since I can't seem to exert any sort of control over the situation I must be armed with chocolate, aspirin, coffee and did I mention chocolate?!

Adventures in Baking

2008-11-25T23:32:00.000-08:00

Look what we made today! My first endeavor with Gingerbread men was quite successful if I do say so myself. It was a lot easier than I thought. Once we got past the smelly molasses we were good to go. (Just this morning I read an article about the different types of molasses

that are made. I had no idea. Could have used that info two days ago.) My cousins daughter was with us today. She was genuinely excited to bake with us. Nayeli's main interest is the "testing" and the final product. She has no patience for the process. It was neat seeing this experience from a different perspective. I enjoy having Nayeli in the kitchen with me but it's a whole different process with her.

I was a little nervous the smell killed their interest in trying the cookies but they were troopers. They tasted the dough and they were hooked. And as you can see the cookies were a hit. Thanks to Paula Deen for the inspiration. My piping skills could use a little work but I think our guys look pretty darn good. Watch out Paula!

HTML what??!

2008-11-19T23:45:00.000-08:00

I'm not the most computer savvy gal. I know enough to get by and that's about it.

I have spent endless hours trying to figure out how to do different things with my blog. And obviously I haven't had a lot of success. HTML code scares the heck out of me. Not that the world would end if I somehow managed to lose my little blog but trying to manipulate all that mumbo jumbo is a little daunting.

So I am so proud of myself for adding my first gadget! Yippee! Although now I really have to get it together and start uploading pics to flickr.

Yay me!

My guilty pleasure

2008-11-18T22:46:00.000-08:00

For as long as I can remember I have loved magazines. I have piles of them. I love pouring over each one and I hate getting rid of them. I always think I might need to "refer" to something I read (yeah, that's never happened).

I suppose I have my mom to thank my obsession. When I was a teenager whenever I had to stay home sick she would treat me to one of those cheesy teen mags. Not to mention that she had piles of them.

As a kid I thought her magazines were corny and boring. Now they're my favorites.

So the real admission here is that in the last couple of years I have gone from reading Marie Claire, InStyle and Lucky to Family Circle, Woman's Day and Good Houskeeping (almost exclusively). What has happened to me??!!

I used to covet the fashion and style magazines. I couldn't wait to see all the latest trends, makeup and celebrity dish. Now I seem to be consumed with new recipes (which I almost never try), ways to organize my house and creative ways to save money. Um, yeah.

There's nothing wrong with the "Mom" magazines. I can honestly say I really like them and I get all sorts of great info from them. I'm just struck by how the "Mom" mags used to be a definite secondary choice. Those are the ones I would read in the doctors office or at someone else's house. Now those are the only ones I buy. The others only get purchased if I really like the person on the cover or it's a special issue.

I used to live for the September issues of every fashion magazine. I would get every one, Vogue, Elle, InStyle, Glamour. Where I was compelled to see the latest in haute couture I'm now way more interested in a new cake recipe.

Even when I've managed to read through my faves (which is almost never) I have next to no interest in picking up a fashion magazine. My friends used to look to me to see if I had the latest editions now they tease me about the "mom" mags.

It's so sad. I feel like there's been some sort of shift. Is it just that I'm getting old?? Am I completely in denial about that?? Apparently.

Define dinner??

2008-11-17T13:22:00.000-08:00

Last night will go down in the record books as one of the saddest dinners I've ever put together. I will not admit to what I served because it's way too embarrassing. But let's just say it most definitely did not classify as homemade or healthy. I would love to know what some of my fellow mom's most embarrassing dinner moments are. Then and only then I may admit to what I fed my child last night.

When it cam time to fix dinner last night I just could not find the motivation or inspiration.

For one thing, I am so sick of cooking the same freakin' things over and over again! Nayeli is just slightly picky. And also has a nut allergy (you wouldn't think that would affect the menu choices that much but it really does) so I'm limited in that respect.

And another, I think I may or may not be having a lazy phase. The thought of cooking anything that takes more than half an hour kills me.

I think the worst part is my picky kid. I know it's my fault she's that way. I do attempt to add new items to the menu but they often get rejected by said child & I'm stuck with wasted food.

What's even more frustrating is that I actually like to cook or used to anyway. I have a very large collection of cookbooks. I'm always gathering new recipes from the stack of magazines I read every month. The inspiration is right there.

It's trying to accommodate the kid & make me happy that requires effort that at this point in time I seem to be lacking.

I just can't seem to move from collecting the recipes to actually planning and making them. Therein lies the problem!!

The trouble with being a single mom...

2008-11-10T21:42:00.000-08:00

So one of the challenges of being a single mom is that more often than not if you're having a bad day there's no one to step in and pick up the slack. No one to take over so you can go hide under the covers.

Today I was having a "moment" and I really just wanted to eat cookies for dinner and stare blankly at the TV. Or maybe have cereal in front of the TV, ditch the homework, the bath, throw the routine out the window. I just did not want to be responsible. I wanted to wallow.

NO CAN DO. Life kept going. Dinner still happened. The dishes were washed. A bath was taken, stories were read and the day is finally done.

Cookies have been eaten!

Monsters, GO Away!

2008-11-09T22:30:00.000-08:00

Good Lord I've created a monster!

So despite Nayeli being 8 she still sleeps with me. Ugh. That is really hard to see in black and white.

See, I know she's too old, needs her independence yah, yah, yah. Well, she has her own bed and she starts off there most nights but after I'm asleep she comes with me. I know this is terrible. We just fell in to this pattern and before I knew it she was hooked and I guess I've been too lazy to kick the habit. And since it's just her and I there was no obvious motivation (other than my aching back and kinked muscles) to kick her out.

Most nights she goes to sleep in her room with no problem. The lights go out and she's out like a light. For reasons unbenownst to me she is now afraid of monsters. Apparently they're lurking.

She has now been crying for the last hour trying to get me to let her go in my bed. So far I'm holding out. But I'm not sure how much longer I can hang on. I thought for sure she would pass out by now. This child has amazing will.

I'm really perplexed by this whole thing. She normally goes to sleep in her room with no problem and today you'd swear I was forcing her to go to sleep in a dungeon. I don't get it.

Oh, and she's quite the manipulator. She's totally trying to play on my sympathies with various underhanded tactics. I let her know I saw right through it. She quickly moved on to straight out crying. I'm not sure what I detest more the horrible piercing crying or the manipulation.

All is quiet at the moment. I'm a little scared to go in and check. It may be a trick!

I know how to fix this. At various times in her 8 years I've kicked this habit so I know it's just a matter of a few days of torture and we're good to go. Apparently I'm just lazy beyond belief.

And now with the monsters, and the shadows, and the noises that go bump in the night it's just all so overwhelming!!

I know bring on the tiny violins.

Lydia Eunice Phillips

2008-11-08T16:31:00.000-08:00

She was... my mom, my rock, my hero, my friend.

She was the best because...

-She was always there.

-She was a great cook and baker.

-She was the "cool" mom.

-She supported me no matter what.

-She always made holidays special even when we didn't have a lot.

-She moved to help me raise my daughter.

What I miss the most is....

-Her laugh and the joy in her voice on a good day.

-Her hugs.

-Her smile.

-Being her baby.

-Grandma and Nayeli together.

I just miss her. There is so much she will miss out on, so much WE will miss out on. I think there is no greater loss than that of a parent or child. In the beginning I wondered if I would ever stop crying. The tears have subsided but the ache I don't think will ever go away. I still find it hard to get past the loss and just embrace the memories. The guilt gets in the way. But that's another story.

I hope she knows she is forever in my heart, my thoughts, forever a part of me.

Speechless

2008-11-05T14:39:00.000-08:00

This day is one I'll never forget. Nothing I can say or write will due justice to what this day means to me and so many others.

I swore this day would not come in my lifetime and yet here we are. I'm still a little dumb struck. It feels unbelievable. I saw the images and I heard the speech but it's like a dream.

A dream has come true. A wall has come down. I can truly look in my daughters eyes and say you can do anything!

I hope that my ancestors and all those who fought tirelessly for civil rights are smiling on us now. This is an amazing, remarkable, glorious, incredible, joyous day.

The biggest hope I have is that we as a people will not let this opportunity go to waste. That we will run through that open door and (continue) to do great things, amazing things.

We can no longer say, "It's impossible". The impossible has been done.

God Bless America!

I DID IT!

2008-11-03T22:04:00.000-08:00

I finished the resume and sent it out to the Happiest Place on Earth.

I actually applied for a position. Not the one I really want but I figure what the heck. I'm not as well suited for this position as the one I'm really shooting for but if there's a chance it could get me in the door I'll take it.

I really, really want this. I think I can be successful there. I think I could have a long career there. The possibilities are endless.

Haven't quite figured out the whole traffic factor (stuck in the middle of it to and from work) but it's a minor technicality. Eventually we'll move closer so I won't let a little traffic stand in my way.

I know this is what I want but is it part of the bigger plan? I selfishly have not asked yet. It's time.

I have sort of a gut feeling about it. We'll see.

Big changes or not

2008-11-02T23:18:00.000-08:00

So I have been going through quite a struggle over the last few months (well really more like a year but who's counting). It's been stressful, painful, difficult, ugly, uncomfortable... all of that and then some.

Over the last week there has been a change in the tide. Because of my very loving family I've been given another chance. An opportunity to do things right.

I have prayed for guidance, faith, strength. And God answered that prayer. The road to this point has been less than easy and I don't expect that this next leg will be a smooth ride. But I'm so thankful for God bringing me to this point. Thankful for my family not giving up on me.

Part of my family's effort to help me was the suggestion that I share a place with my 86 year old grandmother. Grandma currently lives in a senior apt. community. She has her own little place conveniently located near a shopping center that she can walk to, a senior center and lovely neighbors only a holler away.

The family's thought was that I could save money and Grandma would no longer be lonely/alone.

Do you know what Grandma said to that, "NO". She told me today, "Mija, I love you and your aunt and your uncle but I don't want to live with any of you." Well alrighty then.

My wonderful Grandma is not all that sharp these days but when it comes to certain things she is clear as day. I couldn't help but smile when she flat out said I don't want to live with you.

And she could even see why I wouldn't want to live with her (we have our way of doing things, we need our own space etc...).

Despite her moments of loneliness (she hates eating by herself) she is perfectly content where she is. And when she gets too sick/frail to take care of herself she wants to go to a home.

I'm grateful for all that my family has done for me. And I love that they are trying to help me find my way. Although sharing a place with Grandma has one obvious advantage in the long run I think me staying on my own is for the best.

Life Support

2008-11-02T23:08:00.000-08:00

I know my little blog barely has a pulse but i refuse to give up. I really do want to do this I just need to make a few adjustments.

Opt for blogging instead of turning my brain to mush watching my favorite shows. I actually don't have that many but sadly somehow at the end of the day that seems to be the only thing I can bring myself to do.
Write down my darn post ideas. I had a ton of them waft through my head this weekend and I 'm sure I will remember none of them when it counts!
Stop trying to be something I'm not. I'm just going to be me in my own voice. At the end of the day this blog is for me and maybe a few family and friends (if I actually tell them I have a blog). I think I've been too worried about what the rest of the blogoshpere might think. Geez, I really need to get over myself.

So from here on out this is me.

Best Friends

2008-10-10T23:00:00.000-07:00

My little one has a best friend!

Her friend calls her on the phone. So cute. I haven't let Nayeli do that yet but I don't mind that her friend calls her.

It's hilarious listening to Nayeli's end of the conversation. She isn't much of a conversationalist. There's a lot of uh huh's and what did you say? Cracks me up.

I'm just happy she has good friends.

Nayeli told me today that one of the teachers calls her and the her friends the "Musketeers". She didn't know what that was. I'm so old.

She's matured so much over the last year it's a little scary. She's a very thoughtful and

Baby steps

2008-09-25T22:06:00.000-07:00

After a little searching I came across The Arc. It's a site I've been to before but never really investigated.

Apparently there supposed to have support groups. I need to call.

Similar to other resources I've come across this one seems to deal more with MR teens and adults.

Why am I having such a difficult time with this. It's seems ridiculous to think that there are no groups for parents or kids, classes etc for MR children.

I sound like a freakin broken record.

Next!

The Search

2008-09-23T22:06:00.000-07:00

I have not quite got the hang of this blogging thing. Definitely not good at blogging on a consistent basis. Blogging definitely pushes me out of my comfort zone for sharing. It's part of why I did it. I'm generally a pretty private person so figuring out what's safe/comfortable to share is a challenge.

But I can't expect to get anything out of this if I don't give a little first. That's the way most things work isn't it?

There are lots of ways I'd like to connect with people through this blog. There is one that is particularly important to me right now.

I desperately need to find other parents of kids like Nayeli. I don't know if I'm just not looking in the right places, asking the right questions or what but I can't seem to find a place for families like ours.

I wonder if the stigma of the diagnosis of mental retardation keeps people from coming together. I have yet to encounter someone who doesn't cringe, whisper or grimace upon uttering those words.

I even hesitate before I say it. I never know how people will react. It can be very uncomfortable.

I suppose I shouldn't be surprised that I'm having trouble connecting with other families.

It makes me sad. I know Nayeli can't be the only child with this diagnosis. Therefore there must be other families facing this diagnosis and they must need support too.

So I am on a M-I-S-S-I-O-N. I will find them and if there is no group or resource then maybe I need to create one. That is sooooo out of my comfort zone but I can't go through this alone.

2008-09-22T15:41:00.000-07:00

I have not really resolved my problem but I think I found faith. That statement sounds a little sarcastic but I don't mean it that way.

I really just started praying, in earnest, and a sort of calmness came over me. I have yet again come to the realization that I do not have the answers to this problem. I have tried to "interfere" and have only made things worse. So it's time to stop butting my head up against the wall.

I know in my heart that God will guide me out of this situation. I have overcome so much throughout life in general but especially since becoming a mom. I will get through this as well. What I have truly had to accept is that this problem will not be fixed overnight. This is an ongoing process. I have to accept that there is no quick fix. God is in my life to deliver me from this situation but not on my time, on his. That's tough. It's hard to sit back and "wait". But I'm also learning that it really isn't just waiting it's listening to God and following his path, making better choices.

I don't know the answer but I feel like it's out there and I'm somehow going in the right direction. Despite how bad things seem on the surface I've managed to not entirely fall apart. I have moments but they pass. Mostly by stopping to give thanks for all the blessings in my life RIGHT NOW. I know how fortunate I am.

I've said this a lot in the last few days but I will continue to put one foot in front of the other and move forward. There is no looking back.

Faith, where can I get some??

2008-09-05T11:15:00.000-07:00

I have had a difficult couple of weeks. I hate to sound like a whiner but it is what it is.

I have put myself in a rather bad place and now I'm really suffering. I go from being completely freaked out and panicked to calm and collected.

Somehow, someway things will work out. It's the unknown that's freaking me out. My horrible attempts to solve my problem is partially what's gotten me here in the first place confirming the fact that I can't fix this. This problem is bigger than me.

The only real answer I keep coming back to, that I have yet to fully by into, is to have faith.

I "coincidentally" got an email today that said if you come across a situation that you can not handle to put in the "SFGTD" (Something for God to Do) box. Do not attempt to resolve it myself just give it to GOD.

I talk about having faith a lot but I don't think I'm always living those words. This really scares me. As many times as I've felt Gods presence in my life I have a very hard time relinquishing this problem to him. This is big and needs an immediate fix. Taking a leap of faith in this situation reminds of that scene in one of those Indiana Jones movies where he's standing on a cliff, has to get to the other side but the only way is step out and have faith/belief that the bridge will appear. My heart is pounding just thinking about.

How do I do that? Do I just do nothing to try fix this, pray and pray some more and wait to see what happens??

If all of my efforts have not solved this problem (probably made it worse) and on several occasions I feel like God has spoken to me, told me to give this to him, WHY CAN'T I DO IT??

Fear is a poweful thing.

Day 2 of the SAHM/WAHM adventure

2008-08-26T21:44:00.000-07:00

Today was a better day. For some reason I was completely exhausted last night which meant I was more than a little grumpy. Maybe it was the heat.

Anyway, despite repeated requests to go somewhere Nayeli managed to entertain herself for most of the morning. She made it all the way through lunch time.

We went to the book store and then lounged in front of Starbucks munching on a treat. Then we headed to the library because buying new books just isn't in the budget. I know a little odd that we went to the book store even though I knew I wasn't going to buy anything. Nayeli is actually pretty good about "window shopping". I think she enjoys looking at all the "new" stuff. Even though she loves a new toy/book as much as the next kid she generally accepts no without a lot of whining.

After a couple more hours of work and dinner we headed out for a walk in the park. I'm not sure why but Nayeli has been asking to take a walk and who am I to say no to that? It was actually really neat. We walked through a beautiful neighborhood with amazing homes. We pointed out which ones we liked best. At one point Nayeli said, I like spending time with you mom. It doesn't get any better than that!

Look what we found!

2008-08-25T22:17:00.000-07:00

Don't you wish you were here today?? We went the whole summer and had no idea this park existed!

Why didn't I get that gene?

2008-08-25T21:35:00.000-07:00

I hate to admit this but given the opportunity I don't think I could be a SAHM. I'm not cut out for it. Once kids are school age maaayyybeeee. Even that is iffy.

This is not because I don't think it's enough for me. No, I don't think I'm enough to do the job. I would have my kid glued to the TV by 1. I'm so ashamed to admit that but I just don't think I could do it.

I think I wouldn't know what the heck to do with my child day in and day out. Yes, I know there's the obvious (attempting to educate my child) but I don't have a creative bone in my body. I would run out of "ways" to do things within days. All this to the detriment of my poor child.

My daughter is home with me this week. So I'm working 40 hrs and some how simultaneously trying to attend to her. How is this possible? I'm kind of wondering how I'm going to make it to Friday!

How do you SAHM's do it? How do you run your household and take care of kid/s.

My hat goes off to all of you, seriously. I know that whether we're stay at home moms or we have jobs outside the home we all end up doing it all but somehow staying at home seems like it takes a whole other skill set I'm severely lacking.

The elusive diagnosis

2008-08-22T11:09:00.000-07:00

So I had the final meeting with our local regional center to learn whether or not Nayeli qualifies for services.

They agree that she is mildly MR and possibly has a "mood" disorder (I can't even put my arms around that). In terms of services she's basically already getting the most that's available because she's in special ed and is getting individualized therapy there. Great!

They do recommend that she see a psychologist and or psychiatrist but they don't offer that in house. I have to use my insurance. Thankfully I have insurance but the coverage is VERY limited and the co pays are HIGH. I was really hoping she would get to see their doctors.

We have an additional meeting in a few more weeks. At that point they'll tell me what if any other services might be available. I think the only thing left is maybe some parent trainings, support groups etc.. Those are good things so I'm looking forward to that. I have yet to find other parents to sort of share this experience with. I would really like that.

In general I have mixed emotions about the Regional Center process. I'm glad I did it but it's not really producing the results I thought it would.

I think we're in an awkward place with Nayeli's diagnosis. She has enough of a delay that she definitely needs help but it's not considered severe so there are a lot of services that she just doesn't qualify for or just doesn't need. Believe me, I'm so thankful for all that she can do and is able to do. I know that so many other families are facing a far greater struggle. But I still feel like I need help, we need help.

It's just occurring to me now that maybe what I'm looking for is somebody or someway to "fix" it. For someone to say if we do this or that it will get better. Obviously that's just not going to happen.

In this situation I feel like I'm trying to deal with the challenge overall but the day to day is where I'm struggling. I'm not very creative when left to my own devices. I need serious direction here. I'm doing what I can to read and talk with teachers etc. but I still feel lost.

Maybe it's time for me to accept that I don't have all the answers and be ok with doing the best that I can.

What scares me is that my best just won't be enough.

2008-08-12T11:39:00.000-07:00

I read this and this today and it leaves me at a loss.

There are many fears that I face being the parent of a child with a disability. One of which is the treatment she will endure from ignorant people who will call her names and tease her for being different. I dread the day she comes to me to tell me someone called her the R word.

I have heard from Doctors and teachers that they hate that word. They wish there were some other term to refer to that diagnosis. It has and always will have a very negative connotation.

And now it's being popularized in a new movie. Now teenagers and adults alike will be running around with the movies lovely catch phrase (Never go full retard) emblazoned on the front of it.

This is not funny. I don't find it amusing. And I'm not sure how Ben Stiller and anyone else associated with the movie, Tropic Thunder, thought this was funny. They were oh so sensitive about having Robert Downey Jr. appear in black face (also stupid) but no issue with mocking the mentally disabled! Ugh!!

I just don't get it.

What I love about my Baby Girl

2008-08-08T11:14:00.000-07:00

1. Her laugh. It's infectious. I can not help but smile and giggle when I hear her laugh. In those moments all is right in the world.

2. Her dimple. She got that from me! It's so cute it still makes me want to squeeze her cheeks.

3. When she calls me momma. Being mom is a very special thing.

4. Her enthusiasm. When she is excited about something she just lights up and she can't contain herself.

5. Her hugs. When they're truly genuine there is nothing better.

6. Her imagination. It knows no bounds. The gift of being an only child I guess.

7. Her love of treats. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree! She has me to thank for her insatiable love of sweets. Not the best habit in the world but she's a great partner in crime.

8. Her prayers. She never leaves anyone out and even when it gets a little long winded I know it's still coming from her heart.

As challenging as things get sometimes my love for her is limitless and I can't imagine her any other way.

Decisions, Decisions

2008-08-06T22:55:00.000-07:00

It's time to make a career change. The challenge of finding a position that meets the financial needs of my little family while still leaving time for my child seems like an impossible feet.

Finding a job that offers a significant pay increase is in direct correlation with more responsibility and a lot more hours. I just don't see how I can make things work. Although we live close to family for various reasons they are not all waiting around anxiously to babysit.

The whole child care thing I know somehow can be resolved. The bigger issue is with being away from Nayeli. If her Dad were involved I might feel slightly less guilty. He could pick up the slack. But it's just me.

My parents divorced when I was 8. I remember how much I wished my mom and dad had more time for me. My mom was either working or was just too tired to be really "present". And my Dad lived 2 hours away. Even though I lived with my mom there was a lot she missed because she worked. My parents did the best they could but it was a difficult situation.

I never wanted this kind of situation for my child and now here I am. I feel like I'm reliving my mother's life.

I have always been one of those people who is extremely dedicated to their work. I was always willing to do whatever it takes to get the job done. Having a family makes that very challenging to do.

Part of me wants to jump into a new, exciting job but then I think about the sacrifice that would impose on Nayeli and I don't see how I can do that to her. If she's only got one parent for the time being she at least deserves that one to be present and involved.

Ugh, increasing my salary and being a good parent are pretty much non negotiable. There has got to be a way. I just don't see it yet.

Fun in the Sun

2008-08-06T15:04:00.000-07:00

We took a trip to the beach this past weekend. Despite the drama of getting there it was actually kind of fun. You see I'm generally not a beach person. I'm a little too finicky for all that darn sand. I have a hard time getting past the sand invading my very being long enough to enjoy the experience.

After nearly abandoning the trip all together because despite being mearly yards from the water I could not get into a parking lot to save my life. Seeing as I was responsible for the "dessert" for our little gathering I could not retreat out of frustration. Once we made it to the designated spot I managed to mellow out long enough to have a good time.

Unfortunately for Nayeli she couldn't get me into the water this time. I came prepared, swimsuit ready, but the sand, cold water, seaweed... I just wasn't feeling it. I enjoyed watching her and wading in the water but I couldn't take the plunge. I know I'm no fun. Whatever.

We had a good time regardless. We stayed until the very end. What's a day at the beach if you don't stay for the bonfire and the smores!

2008-07-24T11:56:00.001-07:00

We had another one of "those" mornings. Further cementing the fact that I don't understand my child.

Nayeli has moments where all logic is lost. There is no reasoning with her. This mornings crisis involved how she was going to carry all of her things to day camp. Her things being a lunch box, hat and glasses. Not exactly a heavy load.

I tried to explain to her that by changing the lunch box to a bag everything would fit in her mini backpack. For some reason she could not accept that answer. It simply made no sense to her. This discussion led to fits of crying, screaming, and throwing things. Not by me for the record (although I was tempted).

Once we finally worked through that issue, 40 minutes later, we moved on to what in the world would she eat for breakfast and don't even mention lunch. This may be partly my fault by giving her too much freedom to choose. There aren't that many options so I didn't think it was too much to let her pick but I guess I was wrong.

I feel a little like a dumb ass for not figuring this out sooner! Too many choices seems to amplify her stress and send the irrational part of her brain over the edge. I know this is probably the case for a lot of kids but for Nayeli it's magnified 10 fold.

I've been reading about "complex" children. Which if I understand it correctly is a child with multiple diagnoses' as well as behavioral challenges among other things. I know that's not the best definition but hopefully close. I think Nayeli fits this description. Although we can't seem to come to a concrete conclusion on her diagnosis my feeling is that there is more than one thing going on here. She has the obvious severe learning delays but also symtoms of Autism and ADD but it's hard to say that she fits into any one specific box.

What is most frustrating for me about this situation is that Nayeli has moments where she seems perfectly "normal". There are brief moments where she communicates like an average 7 year old, she plays like normal etc... You would look at her or speak to her and never know. And then just as quickly it's gone.

My family doesn't understand the behavioral problems she has because they almost never see it. Sometimes I wonder if they think I'm making it up. Sometimes I wonder if it's just me. Am I just a bad mom and don't know how to control my kid. But then something will happen and I can't imagine what I could have done to provoke that behavior from her.

I'll be the first to admit that I'm not perfect and I make mistakes. I know that if I lose my patience with her that only aggravates the problem. I get that. But some of her behaviors are completely out of nowhere and I can't relate them back to something that I've done.

I look at her sweet face and I hear her laugh and it hurts me to see her struggle so much.

What's on my mind

2008-07-23T15:54:00.000-07:00

I've been a little distracted lately. So much going on.

First the CAR. I got it back. My car was found about a mile from my house. It cost me $250 to "buy" back my car. My car was at the tow yard for 24 hours! I felt robbed again. The good news was that no damage was done to the car and the only thing he took was the faceplate from the stereo. So we're riding in silence but I have my car. After a very thorough cleaning all is well again, sort of.

Second, I had a birthday. Not sure how I feel about it. Mostly I feel worried about 40. I'm almost freakin' 40! I don't feel 38 and 40 seems unreal. I don't feel like I look my age and I don't feel like I act my age (or at least how I remember what an almost 40 yr. old acted like way back when I was oh, 20). I'm sure I'm completely in denial about that one but humor me. I don't know I feel like I haven't done so much of what I thought I would have by this age and I kind of don't feel mature enough to be almost 40. Sadly I feel like I'm still growing up in some ways. I probably shouldn't be admitting that but oh well it's the truth.

Third, Nayeli was tested yet again by the Regional Center. This Dr. concurs that she's testing in the mildly retarded range but he thinks it's due to her inability to focus. He thinks if she could attend she might be able to accurately complete the tests. Ok that's what the private doctor who tested her 2 yrs ago said. We tried meds and they didn't work. He thinks there may be something new that might work. The discussion around medicating my child is a post all on its own. I just don't know what to think, who to believe. Some people around me say YES she's retarded others say no way. She just needs extra help. Aahh! All I want to do is help my daughter. I'm trying but somehow I feel as though I continue to miss the mark.

Lastly, I've decided it's time for a new job. There are several reasons for this revelation- need to make more money, need better health insurance, my company has no room for growth and I'm really starting to get bored. It's really just time. I need to help myself and my little family. As much as I want to be married someday that's not right around the corner so I have to make some changes now. I have a secret wish about where I'd like to work. I'll keep it to myself for now. I feel like it's a little pie in the sky and may be more of a sacrifice than I can make right now but I'm going to try.

Argh!!!!!!

2008-07-07T23:16:00.000-07:00

I've been robbed. My car was stolen yesterday.

It's a very surreal feeling to be standing where your car is supposed to be and there's nothing there. You ask yourself. "Did I park somewhere else?", "Am I in the right place?" My daughter and I looked at each other completely confused. If she hadn't been there I would have said WTF!!

I feel like life has been nothing but trials and tribulations for the last year. A lot of which has unfortunately been self induced. But regardless this latest incident is just the icing on the freakin' cake. Yesterday all I could do was just go on with the day. Today now that I've delt with the rental car and talked to the claims people I feel completely overwhelmed and a little freaked out.

I told someone yesterday that the only way I can make sense of how this could happen to me is that the Lord is really trying to teach me something and despite everything else I've been through this year I still don't get it. It's incredibly dissapointing. I don't want to have to face yet another seemingly insurmountable task. I'm very tired of putting out fires.

Something has got to change because I'm tired. I have no energy left for anything most importantly Nayeli. The last thing I want is for her to suffer for my inadequacy. I suppose that's inevitable on some level because I'll never be perfect. But where I can learn and be a better person and mom it's time to get it together.

This Saturday is my birthday. I'm rounding the corner to 40 and I'm getting a little freaked out. Given my current circumstances my pending birthday feels even more ominous.

I know that life will never be easy but honestly I could use a break from all this struggling. I can't remember how many times I heard my mom say "We'll get through this" or "this too shall pass". She worked so hard so I wouldn't have to and yet here I am. So if not only for myself and Nayeli I need to make a change for her too.

The Happiest Place on Earth

2008-07-02T22:33:00.000-07:00

We had a great time at Disneyland. Nayeli still loves meeting all the characters. There's something so sweet about seeing her eyes light up at seeing a Princess. We were on a mission to meet every single one of them. Didn't quite happen but there's always next time!

Part of me battles over the whole "perfect, unrealistic" image they represent blah, blah, blah but I can't stop myself from letting her enjoy it. There is definitely something very magical about Disney and I want her to enjoy it for as long as she can. These "little girl" moments are quickly slipping away. I want to savour them too.

We didn't make it on very many rides because Nayeli is afraid of the dark. She wanted nothing to do with any ride that remotely appeared to be indoors. But fear not, that just left us plenty of time to explore every store, watch the parades and workup an appetite for another snack! This girl is soooo my kid.

Our Disney adventure was the perfect mini vacation. But can you please explain this to me........

Why is Rafiki picking his nose!? I don't recall somehow offending him. Nayeli didn't grab his but like the kid before her. What on earth would make him do that. Is this some signature move of his that I'm unaware of?? I'm a little bothered by this. I mean really, what is that about?? I realize how hot those people must get and what they must put up with but does Disney encourage sassiness in there characters? (Oh, and please ignore the absolutley heinous shot of me. That shirt might have to go away. Definitely not flattering.) I'm thinkin' that picture will not be in the scrapbook.

2008-06-28T23:20:00.000-07:00

Since I first found out that Nayeli had delays I have felt alone. As the challenges grew I felt more and more isolated. I kept hearing from teachers, friends or anyone else with an opinion that "it was just a phase" or "she's just a little slow" she'll grow out of it. I really wanted to believe that. I held onto that hope for awhile. But there comes a time when you just can't run from the truth anymore.

Through all of this I've never had anyone around me that understood, really understood. After a horrible melt down (Nayeli and I both!) the other day I set out to find a connection. I could not continue to be on the island all alone anymore.

I scoured my library for something, anything that would help. I found it in a book called Raising Blaze. Not only did I find things in common with Blaze's mom Debra but Blaze himself, in subtle ways, he is so much like Nayeli. Blaze helped Nayeli make sense to me. And he helped me to know I'm not crazy.

I feel relieved and comforted in finding Debra and Blaze. I may not know them personally but I feel connected. That means everything.

Change is hard

2008-06-13T08:28:00.000-07:00

Today is the last day of school. This means change which is not always a good thing.

Nayeli thrives on routine. She needs to know what's she's doing, when and where at all times. I always have to prepare her for a change in the routine. Even though we've talked about summer school and summer camp all this change became a little too overwhelming this morning.

She fell apart. She was completely confused about the "last" day of school, where she's going after school, who's picking her up, nothing seemed to make sense. And then the crying started. And then she said "I don't like myself". She's seven! Stick a knife in my heart. My kid has poor self esteem at 7.

It can be very hard to know how much Nayeli understands. Sometimes things have to be explained in great detail and repeated over and over again and other things she gets right away. In terms of her emotional maturity most of the time I think she's at about the level of a 5 year old.

And then there are brief moments, like this morning, when she seems "normal" and fully aware of what's happening to her. For her to say she doesn't like herself is big. She knows how different she is and yet on some level she is powerless to do anything about it. She tries so hard. Her level of will and determination amazes me sometimes. She is no quitter. So it hurts even more to see her work so hard to learn and try to fit in and very often see minimal results.

I do my best to praise her for every effort she makes. Every achievement is important. Obviously I need to do more.

I want her to be proud of who she is no matter what. That's an awfully hard lesson to teach when I'm not even sure if I've learned that one yet!

She is the greatest kid on earth. It kills me to see her struggle so much. I wish there were an easy answer for this. I wish I could take the hurt away for her.

The Kitchen: Heaven or Hell

2008-06-12T22:37:00.000-07:00

I used to love cooking, loved to be in the kitchen. In the last year the passion has waned.

Now I can say I love, love, love to bake, cooking not so much.

I'm not entirely sure what happened but I honestly think it's all the kids fault. She is a very picky eater. At least with me anyway.

There are so many things that she doesn't like that my menu options are extremely limited. Just to name a few- only thin spaghetti (No fettuccine, bow tie, ziti, ravioli...), marinara sauce (NO MEAT!), white rice (NO Spanish rice), nothing with ground beef, you get the picture.

I really try to not to cater to her but OMG it's so hard. Especially when it's just the two of us. I try to make new things but inevitably she doesn't like it & I end up with a bunch of food that I can't possibly finish by myself. Of course I try to cook in small portions but I still end up with a bunch of leftovers.

Yes I know I could just lay down the law, cook what I want, and tell her it's this or nothing. Which I do sometimes but really, honestly she's so damn picky I might as well just throw my money in the trash cause that's where the foods goin'.

It's seriously so irritating that I don't even want to bother most nights. If the girl wasn't allergic to peanuts I would have resorted to peanut butter and jelly sandwiches every night or cereal. And don't get me started on lunches that's a whole other story.

As I write this I'm realizing that maybe I have become that mom that gives in to her kid. Darn it!

Were they hiding??

2008-06-10T22:14:00.000-07:00

How have I gone this long and not found these ladies??

I have searched the Internet many times for single mom blogs. Searched and searched and nothin.

So yesterday moments before posting about my endless search and where the heck are these blogs that must be out there I give it one more try.

And what do you know, there they are! Tons of them. Blog after blog. I swear they came out of nowhere or I'm completely inept at using the Internet properly (yeah I know, probably the latter).

I added a couple of them to my blog roll but I have lot's more reading to do.

I set out intending for this blog to be about being a single mom but I'm feeling a little awkward talking about it. Ironic.

Well, here it goes. I didn't come to single motherhood like most. I have never been married. I was in a relationship with someone and that someone didn't want to be involved with our little someone. And I forged ahead anyway.

So it's been me and my baby girl since the beginning. I know no other way.

We recently moved to be closer to family so we could have a little more support and that's been helpful. But you kind of have to ask for help in order to get it. Funny how that works.

I have always been very independent. I think it got worse after I had my daughter. I thought I had something to prove. Well that's just too much of a cross to bare. I'm no superwoman. And trying to be it all and do it all isn't really working for me.

Now seven years in I know that I really don't have to do this "alone" and being a mom is hard single or not.

I have a dream

2008-06-06T23:34:00.001-07:00

I can tell you right now this post will not live up to those famous words.

My dream is but a simple dream, hold on to your hat, I want to stay at a Disney Resort Hotel. There, I've said it. For a 37 year old woman I probably have an unnatural fascination with the Happiest Place on Earth. I don't know what it is about that place but it makes me, well, happy. If a job in that park could support me and my child I would be all over it. It takes me to another place. I want to be one of those happy people in a goofy polyester outfit. Well not really but I swear if I had $800 I would so by annual passes for my daughter and I. We would be there all the time.

Two years ago we made the pilgrimage to Disney World. I was so excited about that trip. I planned, prepared, bought endless amounts of crap we didn't need. I bought the guide book, read the websites. I was ready! Once we got there I spent so much time worrying about whether or not everyone else was having fun that I hardly stopped to enjoy it myself. Kind of a let down, you know. I spent an ungodly amount of cash on that trip and I can honestly say it was probably more stressful than it was fun. I need a do over.

Even though we've been to the Mecca of Disney parks I'm not satisfied. I need to have the full experience. My ultimate dream is to stay at the Grand Floridian at Disney World. That resort is amazing! One can dream. I'll get there some day.

This dream, among others, is going to require baby steps. Quite honestly I'm not very good at that. I've never been a very patient person. I tend to be an all or nothing kind of gal.

But I can learn! I have the chance to stay a night at the Paradise Point Resort at Disneyland. My daughter and I can spend a luxurious day by the pool, eat dinner with Goofy and then spend the day with Mickey and his gal pal. Doesn't that sound like fun! I know it's a little odd but it sounds like heaven to me. Okay maybe that's a stretch but definitely fun.

Part of me says save up some more money so we can stay a couple of nights at the hotel and have a couple of days at the park. But my ability to save money is equivalent to my capacity for patience. I could do it if I really set my mind to it but I'm thinkin' I just don't wanna! I'm thinkin' I would like to have this time with my daughter.

I guess that's it then.

Falling Apart

2008-06-04T10:32:00.000-07:00

Today is one of "those" days. That day when you're not sure if you can take one more thing. I'm tired and cranky and have about an ounce of patience left.

And somehow this coincides with the wonderful mood my daughter is in. When she's not herself, moody, sensitive it takes everything out of me. Any little thing will turn her into a puddle of tears.

She screams and cries over the fact that I took last months lunch menu down instead of her.

She had an all out melt down because she forgot her homework at school and was potentially going to have to sit out recess for not doing her homework.

If I so much as look at her the wrong way it's a problem.

What is most painful about this is that she just doesn't know how to help herself. And honestly many times I don't know how to help her. Her mind is 4 but I'm looking at a 7 year old. I try so hard to console her and talk her down but sometimes there's just no helping her.

Sometimes she says to herself, what's wrong with me? How do you explain to your child that they're mentally retarded. How do I tell her she will never be like the other kids.

I know someday she'll come home and ask me, Mommy am I retarded? It's not fair. I don't want it to be her.

I know all the logical answers. I know that I need to be thankful for what she is capable of. I am. I'm just sad and maybe grieving for what she could have been. I know I can't change it and at some point I'll move on but right now this sucks.

What gives me hope is that there are many kids like her who grow up to be independent and have full lives. I hope that I will be strong enough to help her get there.

First time away from home

2008-06-02T10:34:00.000-07:00

So Nayeli spent this past weekend at Girl Scout Camporee. Her first "solo" trip away from home.
Am I crazy for doing this?? As challenged as my child is I still sent her out to fend for herself. I have been arguing with myself since the day I told the troop leader she could go. Am I doing the right thing? Is this too much for her? Is she just plain too young? Despite my doubts I let her go.

It took everything I had not to fall apart. I knew if I started crying I might not stop. So off she went, allergy medicine, diet instructions and all (Did I mention Nayeli is allergic to nuts?).

Aside from the fact that most of the time I feel like I just plain don't know what the hell I'm doing, how could I send my "special" daughter off on her own like that?

I think I'll be asking myself this question for the rest of her life. Her mental age will never match her physical age. How can I ever know if she's really prepared for something? I don't want to hold her back because she's challenged but I also don't want to push her into something that she's just not prepared for.

When I picked her up Sunday morning it was like she just saw me 5 minutes ago. I was the one desperate to see her, squeeze her to death and give a million kisses. The troop leaders said she was great. No problem. Were they leaving out details, probably. But in general she must have been ok. Once we were in the car she was smiling and excited to tell me what she had done. Fast forward to eight o'clock last night and she was crying telling me how much she missed me. Then this morning she was crying when I dropped her off at school, afraid to let me go.

Talk about a delayed response. I'm pretty good at knowing when she's faking it and don't think that was the case here.

I don't necessarily regret letting her go I just wish I knew how to better help her. I did the obvious, comforting her, tried to reassure her that I'm always here for her but it just didn't seem to be enough.

Could someone please give me all the answers because I sure as heck don't have them.

The news

2008-06-01T00:17:00.000-07:00

This week I got the news I secretly hoped I'd never get.

My sweet baby girl is mildly/moderately retarded. Does the mildly/moderately really matter? Does it hurt any less because it's not severe? Believe me I thank the Lord it's not worse but I'm not sure it hurts any less.

My girl has been "special" for as long as I can remember. Nothing about her development was normal. She's had an IEP since she was in preschool. We, her teachers and I, held out hope that it was ADD or Specific Learning Disability (her previous diagnosis). No such luck.

Part of me just wants to sit and cry. I can't bring myself to think about the future. The life she probably won't have. But don't I have to be prepared? I can't live my life in denial.

Even though she's the same girl she was four days ago everything feels different. I don't want to treat her any differently but how can I not? How will I be able to protect her from all the cruelty in this world and still let her live as full a life as possible? I guess that's a question most parents ask themselves.

I hope that as we travel this new road we'll meet other families like ours. I think she needs to know other kids like her just as much as I need to know their parents.